Let's talk...

There are things in life we can rely on and things in life we can’t. For instance, the changing of the seasons: reliable! We all know winter will turn into spring, spring will turn into summer, summer will turn into fall, and so on. Adolescent alcoholic celebrities: reliable! It’s a well known fact that sooner or later Justin Bieber will get a lesson from Lindsay Lohan on how to do tequila shooters and it’ll all be downhill from there. Paris Hilton taught her, just like Charlie Sheen taught Paris. And until recently I had one thing in my life that was more reliable than anything else: a good BM. It’s true. I used to know that every morning when I’d wake up, I’d make myself a cup of coffee and within minutes of drinking that liquid laxative, I’d be heading for the john. Sometimes just the smell of the coffee brewing first thing in the morning used to send a signal to my intestines that it was time to make some magic happen. It was like clockwork, and although I couldn’t rely on my husband, my mother, or anything else on this God forsaken planet, the one thing in the whole world I could rely on was that at around 7:00am M-F I would poop.

Of course, that all changed recently when I was diagnosed with an ulcer and had to cease drinking coffee for the next two months. So let me tell you something. There is nothing more frustrating, more uncomfortable, and more irritating, than not being able to poop on a regular basis. Or hell! In my case, how about not being able to poop at all! Last Wednesday for example, I decided to weigh myself, as I tend to do every Wednesday. I got on the scale, and to my horror, I weighed three pounds more than the Wednesday before. Fuck! I haven’t had alcohol since I gave it up for Lent, and I stopped eating butter on my toast when I was diagnosed with the ulcer (apparently fat can irritate the stomach). So what the hell was I doing wrong? And then I remembered that I hadn’t pooped in four days. Well, I remedied the problem by taking a laxative later that night and at 2:30 in the morning finally had some much needed relief. Almost a week later though, things aren’t any better. I’ve been eating Fiber One cereal for breakfast every day, I’ve been eating prunes like they’re candy, and I’ve even been smoking cigarettes in the hopes that the nicotine will act as a natural diuretic and make me have to go. But sadly, none of it is working. I’m sure the root of the problem is this medication my dr put me on for the ulcer, but if I have to take laxatives for the next two months until I can go off the meds, no one—and I mean no one—is going to want to be my friend. I actually have to keep a scented candle lit at all times in my office to masque the smell of my gas.

"What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay." ~Ron Burgundy from Anchorman